Call me C, see my truth

Have you ever noticed that everyone you know has a different view of who you are?

I have. It seems like each person in my life as a version of my life that they know as true. My grandmother knows a very different person than my ex-boyfriend does, I can assure you that. Even different friends have individual understanding of who I am. Every one can probably agree that I am loud, love to talk, and love my husband; but the rest is all variable depending on who you talk to. Some people think I am a lesbian, some people think my husband was born male, and not many people know the whole truth of who we are. In considering this, and juggling these truths, I have decided to keep a record of the events in my life that have brought me to this point. This way, I will have a place to keep my personal truth. Not that I am one to follow through with activities that I start, but we'll see.

Hm, so the beginning. I dated boys my whole life, I mean my whole life. I had 3 long term boyfriends before I graduated high school. This might not be the expected past of a person who is currently married to a pre-operative transgender, but it's the truth. I had a great time with all three of those lovely boys, the third one I actually slept with and took along to college with me.

College, definitely the beginning for me. I don't know that I have more than 30 memories prior to college. (That sounds backwards doesn't it, because college=alcohol=less memories) I went in looking for memories, good friends, and an education that would get me out of the small town I came from. It was a small college where everyone knew each other, and everyone was that beautiful kind of unique that makes the world a really neat place. I fully plan to do some retro-entries on all the fun I had there, but in the mean time I will discuss why this blog is titled "The epic journey of an FTM spouse". Enter M, who became A later. My roommate, leave it to me to find one of the two lesbians on campus to room with, was the ultimate in shut-ins. It was as if she had a machine to breathe for her, and that machine was the program AIM. She typed and typed to her ex, who went to an all-women's college to get away from her. Seeing the pointlessness of this, I set her up with the one other lesbian on campus M.

It seemed like a great idea, I mean, they were the only two lesbians available, and M had become my really good friend. She helped me scope out my new male-friend (the later trade-in for the 3rd high school one) and we spent hours a night psychoanalyzing the people in our freshman class. If M dated my roommate I could spend time with her and she would have someone to have sex with. She was pretty lonely in those days. Though I fully plan on coming back to this night to elaborate later, fast forward to us being out at a bar. M is buying us drinks and shots. We have Q, the roommates lifetime gay friend., who was quickly becoming my favorite gay of all time. I had brought along the high-school boyfriend, who was clinging to me like the octopus he was until we broke up approximately three months later. M and the roommate are on their first date. I am coordinating this, dancing in the crowd. Then they kissed (by the way it was the first lesbian kiss I had seen). For a split second I wanted to be the one recieving that kiss. At the time I was aware that I could date either a man or a woman, and was comfortable with that knowledge. I had never, however, had the yearning for a female. I chalked it up to my love of attention, thinking I probably just wanted to be the one everyone in the crowd was yelling for. It is, however, more important in hindsight (20/20 you know).

Fastforward again to the end of the first semester, different bar same people (subtract the 3rd high-school boyfriend, add J the male-friend who was now my boyfriend). I was taking bodyshots off some topless girl on the bar and I got called outside. I heard someone yell they were taking make-out pictures. After three make-out pictures someone suggested I kiss M. She had just taken one with flaming boy L, so I figure I am a much better option for her. I looked at her, all vulnerable and totally into the idea, and she said that we should fake it instead. Using her thumb she dipped me back and used her thumb to keep our lips from touching. I was super upset, insulted by the idea that she would rather kiss flaming L than me, but the bottom bit of her lip slipped over her thumb and it sent chills down my spine. Like I often did when I dealt with emotions that I didn't like, I went right to inappropriate and J and I took body shot girl home to my dorm with us. Ah, but the rest is for another day.

Two years later I was saying goodbye to her. Wishing her well and telling her how proud I was that she decided to transition. I told her to call me. She didn't.

I did however get a message from, now A, two years post-goodbye, and a few months before I was set to graduate. It was through Myspace, the it-website of 2006. I didn't know who is was, but the message read that he loved me and missed me. When I figured out it was M-now-A I wrote back with my phone number. When he called I looked at the number I didn't know and knew that I was going to marry him.

Whew... so now we have arrived. We were married in 2008 and have been living together since a few months after that Myspace message. I want to start a blog to tell about all the neat things that we do and are. I want a way to look back and remember all the experiences we have shared. I also want to reach out to other trans-spouses, because when I looked for literature and online support I didn't find much.

So if you like what you see read on, if not peace out. I am not interested in peoples' judgement, but I am interested in unique perspectives. I wish everyone the happiness I have found.