Saturday, March 27, 2010

Moving to Word Press!

To keep reading follow me down the rabbit hole

http://ftmspouse.wordpress.com/

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Has it been this long?

I have been one very busy lady over the past few months. A applied and was accepted into LAW SCHOOL! We move in three weeks. I must say, it is pretty exciting to be moving closer home and to a less redneck location. My real reason for the disappearing act is the thesis that has been eating my soul for the last few months. It is incredibly frustrating to be churning and churning at the same piece of literature only to have it be ripped apart by people who don't really understand it. Incredibly. I am finished now and I will be walking in May. This comes at a great time since I will be supporting A for the next three years, on his promise that I will get to make babies and eat bonbons for many years after that.

It has been 7 months since we talked to A's parents as well. This is a tremendous step for him. As the child of an immeshed and abusive mother, all success is done in small steps. It is amazing to see how far he has come since we started dating, and most certainly since we became friends. He has really come into his own. It has been a beautiful year, 2010.

Hmm. So a back story for today. It's sad, I don't even remember all the stories I have told it has been so long.

I'll try this one: way back in the days when A and I lived in our college dorm and he was dating my roommate.... Mind you he was female in this part of our story.... she and I ran into each other on our dorm balcony. This wasn't atypical, as we both enjoyed a cigarette every now and then, and the balconies of our dorm were something of a social scene. My boyfriend at the time was there, his poor country self, and we got into a long conversation. Being that the conversation started late (probably after the bar closed) and we were talking for such a while, we became very hungry. In the small town where our college was, there was no waffle house to speak of, so we decided to stay up the rest of the night and grab breakfast when the first small town diner opened. We managed to stay up that night, and watched the sunrise. I was so comfortable with her, I enjoyed her so. We shoved into his two seater truck and drove toward the rising sun. Towards breakfast, I thought, not the future where I would be dating the girl (boy) on my right instead of the boy on my life. How serendipitous life is, and how well orchestrated our paths are.

Food for thought: Thought I don't directly identify as a lesbian, I am still very drawn to lesbians. I can "see" them, even when they aren't "out". It is an unspoken understanding of our sameness and differentness from others. It isn't a facial structure, clothing, or a haircut, it is something internal. This begs a question, if it is an unspoken mutual understanding and I am recognizing the "lesbian" in them, what are they recognizing in me. I know they see me, I just wonder what they see about me.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Is it already Tuesday?

Today's schedule: Work 12:00-2:30, then lunch with KV til 4:30, class 5-8:30, and then another 1.5 hours with KV at the house. It was a really good day. As you can tell from the schedule above, KV and I's friendship has turned out to be something pretty cool. I have a feeling she is going to become a really good friend. Oh, and she inspired me to write a new short story! Speaking of stories, I have been thinking of telling the story of the first time A and I went to a bar.

When M (now A) and I were in college together there was a local bar that housed a lot of the big parties and a good time on weekends. After M and our favorite gay boy turned 18, we decided to make our way to the social crowd. M and my roomie had just started dating and both of them, the third high school boyfriend, me and the fabulous and favorite gay all went out. M bought drinks, I remember thinking how cool it was to have a girl in a man's vest buy drinks for us. I felt like the coolest kid in the bar. We drank all night and danced. Then in the middle of the dance floor M kissed my roomie, a hard forceful kiss. I remember feeling incredibly jealous. I thought it was about attention then, but I realize now it was because I had already started to love M. I still remember what that kiss looked like from where I stood and how some part of me wanted to be on the other side of that kiss.

A and I had a great weekend too. It was sweet, we spent Saturday and Sunday night with our amazing band of lesbians. Though I still feel too old to play beer pong, it is a really fun time. A really likes hanging out with them, and I know he missed out on a lot of that college fun to go and transition

I couldn't post yesterday because I was writing a paper for my last class of my masters! It is a very exciting time to be in my life! A is finishing his bachelors this semester, and is applying for grad school. Hopefully he will get in and we will move away to an exciting new place!

Friday, November 13, 2009

TGIF

Oh what a week. If I haven't mentioned it yet, A is an epileptic. He usually has some symptoms that are a red flag that it coming and he has had some this week. he usually becomes agitated, off-balance, and can't connect ideas as well as usual. All of those symptoms have been present this week so i am both nervous and exhusted from handling his light verbal assaults. My hope is that this newest medicine will ward off the actual occurrance of the seizure and only leave the pre-symptoms. This makes me think of writing about the medical issues A has faced over the time that we have been together. It has been quite the journey.

When A and I first got together it had been over 5 years since he had recieved a pap smear. As those familiar with the FTM community may know, the willingness of both the FTM and the sensitivity of the gynocologist can create quite the rift between FTMs and reproductive health. We were very lucky to find a wonderful nurse practitioner at a local clinic who scheduled us together, only called me back, and who was sensitive to A when actually completing the pap smear.

When A had his first seizure ( about 6 months after we started dating) we were in the admissions office of the hospital. The lady admitting him asked about his medications, when he said he was on T (testosterone) she asked why. A brief description later we were ushered to a room where we sat for six hours before someone helped us and his insurance information had to be phoned in later because she refused to talk to us further. It took me threatening to sue before a doctor came into help us and we were told that his testosterone was probably causing his seizures.

After his GP seconded that notion we took him off of testosterone from 9 months (when of course he had a seizure anyway) before we called a trans specialist who told us that was absolutely not true. Nine months of periods for A is a living hell. Before this I never had a problem with doctors. Now I would rather walk hot coals then go to one with A.

A doctor once told us we couldn't expect to be treated with dignity, because we were in the bible belt. An endocrinologist refused to do a physical exam because "He couldn't know what he would find down there". That doctor billed us for a 200 dollar visit. The medical community should be the first to embrace diversity because lives depend on it.

Off my soap box, this week has been trying. I love A and hate when he "disappears" for periods of time. It is lonely and disheartening. My new friend is not panning out much either so double lonely this week. Boo. It's Friday, so hopefully the weekend will prove to be better for little ole me.

Happy Friday all!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Long time no see

So it has been a week since I last posted. My sister came up last weekend and took most of my time. Then I had a few days off of work, so I spent my time going out with the lesbians I have lost contact with over the months I have been working two jobs. To catch you up last Saturday I met a girl. I am going to call her KV here. It may seem like, having a beautiful FTM husband may impede upon my ability or desire to meet women. To the contrary, I love women and sexual tention with women, so I love to flirt with and then befriend beautiful women. KV showed up at a friend's house who was hosting a college football party. When she came in I didn't think much of her, but her wit and sacastic nature quickly drew me in. By the end of the night I gave her my facebook and the next days we were texting constantly. I adore her, and as often happens in my lesbian female friendships, it is a total recreation of the sexually tense friendship A and I shared when he was M. I think A finds this amusing, maybe irritating when I pay someone more attention then him. I think he realizes, however, that it is the sincerest form of flattery.

To explain the next part of this story you must understand that A and I have had ske problems in the bedroom. Namely, him dealing with some past abuse has made it difficult for him to happly engage in sexual acts. Thought this means his therapy is going great, it makes for a very sad me. I am an incredibly sexual person, and am used to being in relationships with biological males, who will never turn you down. This has been really bothersome for me. It hurts my feelngs and makes me feel disconnected from him. It also makes me grumpy and horny so KV was a welcome distraction. A seemed a little disgruntled when I was texting her in front of him, which is unusual for him, but I was finding great joy in her and our connection has been strained from lack of sex.

We have discussed taking on a partner for me when things are like this for him. I can't bring myself to do it because all I really want is him. Every girl I lust after is because she reminds me of M. I am drawn to women who evoke some memory of that friendship, whether physical or emotional. I can't imagine making one of them a lover, because it would be a mere shadow of what I have with him.

So after A and I discussed our romantic troubles yesterday we both felt a lot better. We then met the ladies, including KV at a local bar for drinks. KV and I were inseperable, giggling and talking all night. I don't think that I am her physical type, but we really click mentally. Again and again we came together, drinking and gushing. Then she dropped the bomb, she brought up that she had been sexually abused and we talked about her possibly getting some therapy to help her process it. She was pretty drunk when she spilled it, and later on she seemed bothered she had brought it up. She slept at our house, on the couch of course, and left before I woke up this morning. She left me a message on facebook but not too many texts today. I am betting she is embarrassed about sharing her abuse story. *sigh* so now I am down one pleasant mild-obsession and I still have a husband who is sexually stagnant at the moment.

I know, not a great way to end a post, but not all days are perfect between us. We struggle and fight with the best of them. I can't wait until we can get back to our normal though, I miss both my friend and lover. Besides, when we are solid I could care less if I lose some friend over a drunkly spilled secret.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

She's the man

At work today, yes I came back. Surprisingly, it looks like the destroyer will be back tomorrow. It is amazing that the staff of the home will let that happen. Ah well, I will quit if needed. Hopefully they will get this place together. I brought "She's the Man" for the house today. Everybody loves a light-trans film! The kids seem to like it ok, and I really only bought t because I like the way Amanda Bynes looks in drag, so I am glad it is getting some use.

Watching this, it makes me giggle because I remember when A first moved in with me how surprised I was by how much he asked, "Do I look boyish enough in this."I always thought that confidence would come built in, but even today that confidence can easily waver. A just got a new packy. For those non-trans or trans-spouses, a packy is the prostetic that ftm transmen wear in their pants. He has had the 3.5 inch for a while, but they start to go bad after a while. I told him he needed to upgrade to a 5.5 because if he was born with a penis it would be a "show-er and a grow-er." This involved him getting a new jockstrap to wear it in. The cup was too small on the new jockstrap so we had to use an old soft cup and sew it in. He managed to tear a peice off my sewing machine, but he did fix it and all was well. The newly fashioned jock strap prompted a fashion show under several pairs of pants and shorts, then a discussion of what side it should lay to and how it should sit to look most realistic.

So when I started dating boys I never thought I would have in depth conversations about chest contours and penises hanging, but then again I nver thought I would have the amazing kind of relationship that I do. So I guess it works out.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Oh oh oy

What a day! One of my kids at work went loopy and broke most of the windows out at the house. Fittingly, I brought "The World Trade Center" to watch today. The kid also smashed or beat every car in the parking lot, except for mine. I guess bringing a movie every day and all those hours of Tony Hawk paid off. Really I think I just got lucky.

I have been lucky a lot in my life. Blessed, lucky, touched by angels. I was lucky enough to find M and then again as A. I got into a car accident when I was 17. To be more precise, I flipped my car through a telephone pole. I was hanging upside down in the car from my seat belt when the spinning stop, the slow motion spinning. I never believe in slow motion before that car accident, but it really slowed down. I thought about 1000 thoughts before I hit that pole, like "I hope I don't hit that pole" and "woah this is slow." I know, brilliant thoughts right?

I was hanging upside down and banging on the roof, because I was stuck in the seat belt. It was one of those that came on automatically, and I wasn't used to driving it because I was only borrowing the car from my grandmother. Therefore, I didn't know that there was a release button. I called my mom first, to tell her I had a chemistry test and would need to be picked up because I got in a wreck. Funny, I was just worried about the chemistry test at that moment. I was in the middle of telling her "Ma, just pick me up I can't miss this test," when I realized the car was on fire. I was banging on the roof, and could barely see the top of the ditch where people had gathered. A kind firefighter crawled in on his stomach and cut me down. He pulled me through the broken glass, and informed me he would normally need the jaws of life but this was an emergency. I thought the emergency was the fire until I got out of the car and realized that a live power line was draped a foot above my car. I climbed the steep ditch, thanking the firefighter who had crawled though that hatchback that I complained about everyday I drove that car. It was the only door not stuck.

I looked down at the poor crunched car and thought that the only part not smashed held me. The EMTs were there then, asking me to put on my neck brace and connecting me to the blue board that would lift me onto a stretcher. My mom ran by then, frantic and searching. I have never known that she loved me more than I knew in that moment. She was so happy when she saw me. Proud even, like I had done some great talented escape, when it wasn't me at all. It was that kind firefighter and something bigger than me. My boyfriend (the third high school one) came then. He ran a mile from where they stopped traffic. I will always love him for that. I knocked out the power to my whole town. Everyone got the day off from school. I got a a B on that chemistry test and I lived.

I lived to attend college, to meet A, to stand at the back of an aisle and walk towards him in a white dress. So I am very lucky, very blessed, and well watched over by whatever is up there in the sky.... And today my car windows didn't get busted.


Oh oh oy